Saint Martha, Dutch Antilles—The Saint Martha International Bioethics Center has been awarded a $23.4 million grant by the Devil, announced Dr. Ignatius Crawford, director of bioethics at the Medical University of Saint Martha. The grant, which is contingent on matching funds from corporate sponsors, will fund bioethics research, new faculty positions, and innovative teaching programs for medical students at Saint Martha.

"We are thrilled to embark on a new collaboration with such a high-profile donor," said Crawford in a prepared statement. "We believe that Satan can do for us what He has done for Mick Jagger and Donald Trump."

Crawford, formerly the Mr. Muffler Professor of Bioethics and Automotive Repair at Saint Martha, will become the first Spawn of Satan Distinguished Chair of Bioethics and Corporate Finance. The chair comes with a $400,000 annual research budget, a five-year renewable contract with the Fox Network, and a manservant. The new grant will also fund four tenure-track faculty positions.

"Some of us had doubts whether a tenured position was really worth surrendering our immortal souls," said Dr. Rabb Thomas, who recently moved to Saint Martha from a now-defunct Office for Protection from Research Risks. "The black robes and chants are kind of a drag too. You really stick out on the wards."

But Thomas believes the bargain will pay off in the long run. "I know it looks bad, but you have to ask yourself: how does the appearance of impropriety weigh against the opportunity this appointment will give me to influence Satan's policy on temptation, or even eternal damnation? It's really a matter of opportunity costs."

Some critics have questioned whether the funding will compromise the center's academic integrity. "I'm not sure I'd trust ethics research that was funded by Satan," said Dr. Grady Waldrop, a moral theologian at Edinburgh University. "Let's face it, He's got a pretty spotty record. He says there are no strings attached, but that could change. I'm thinking about twenty, thirty years down the road. What then?"

Crawford defended the deal. "This is not a contract," he pointed out. "It is a gift. Believe me, we looked carefully at this. This is completely value-added for our shop."

Crawford, who has come under fire for his involvement with experimental genetic treatments in utero, denied that the new funding had anything to do with his participation. Crawford's attorney, Hermann Diehl, stated, "The study published in JAMA claiming that the treatment resulted in 'distinct horns,' was, we contend, seriously flawed. The researchers should have made a clear distinction between horns and bumps that are a little pointy."

Crawford also dismissed rumors that the Hippocratic oath ceremony at Saint Martha would be replaced by ritual virgin sacrifice. "Don't be ridiculous," said Crawford. "We're sacrificing a live goat. It's just like what students have always done with dogs in the physiology lab . . . only with incense."

Speaking from his dacha outside St. Petersburg, Satan, sporting a satin white lab coat, was exuberant about his new investment. "This will be a new venture for me," Satan said. "I was into Internet porn for a while, did some work in telemarketing. I even spent some time at a Nike plant in Indonesia. But it just wasn't fulfilling." Satan says he believes bioethics will fill a spiritual void. "I feel good about it. I've always thought of myself as kind of a rebel, rather than just some guy in a suit." Satan said. He points out that it took him several years to raise the capital to get involved in bioethics. "It's expensive, no doubt about that. You can buy a doctor for a pizza and a penlight, but bioethicists won't play ball unless you offer them a major media contract."

Citing the restrictions of their bylaws, the American Society for Bioethics and Humanities, the largest bioethics association in the United States, stated that they cannot take a stand against Satan. The American Medical Association refused comment due to the appearance of a "conflict of interest." A source at the Park Ridge Center, a leading religion and health think tank, would say only, "There are some organizational ethics questions here, and we're looking for funding to help us study them."